1. This is no longer funny, it’s depressing and it’s annoying the hell out of me. So fair warning that the posts may suffer.
2. What I want for Christmas this year is either a) this book not to have ever been published; b) the Ghost of Christmas past to erase the past week or so from my memory; c) this book not to have ever been published; d) all of the above. Santa, I promise I’ve been good (I almost wrote “a good girl”, but then I remembered and shuddered).
3. “He paces toward me like a panther” - totally visualized this and ended up spitting my coffee. This book has now cost me precious coffee moments.
4. Oy with the “down there” already! (someone please pick up on this reference)
5. Of course Christian is a great dancer. He’s like the perfect man, you know, if you ignore the abusive, manipulative, slightly deranged side of hid. Other than that, A+, top notch.
6. Christian has stolen her panties and she won’t ask for them back. But now she won’t stop monologuing about it and I want to bash my head against several walls.
7. Also, she talks to herself so much. Nobody can hold a conversation with someone and at the same time think about so many other things. Nope. No way.
8. “I rub my wrists reflexively - thin strips of plastic will do that to a girl”. Ya don’t say? The Darwin Award goes to you, Ana. Magnificent revelation *slow clap*.
9. Ana realizes she wants to be with Christian. Whoop-dee-fucking-do. Collective swoon from the fans of the novel. *sigh* *siiiiiiiiigh*.
10. Mia (Christian’s sister) is the embodiment of Alice Cullen. I bet she’s going to ask
Bella Ana to be like sisters, oh em gee!
11. “What is this? Hug Ana week?” Well, Ana, since your…um…significant other likes to beat and “play” with you, I think you deserve a few hugs. Just my two cents.
12. Ana asks herself why Kate is “so antagonistic towards him? What is her problem?” - Kate, as opposed to other people *hint hint wink wink*, can read Christian very well, Ana. Listen to Kate. Share her wisdom. LISTEN TO KATE’S INNER GODDESS.
13. Oh, and now Ana has to run everything by Christian, like a little kid asking for permission, including the fact that she wants to see her mother. Fuck you, Christian. And he has the nerve to be angry about it. Christian is a dick to Ana.
14. “His tone is quiet and deadly” - Run, Ana, run. I hear anywhere else in the world is beautiful this time of year.
15. “Please don’t hit me, I whisper, pleadingly”. Now this, my darlings, is fifty shades of fucked-up. I want to tear this book to pieces and scatter them into the wind. Oh, I want to bury this like Jumanji.
16. Saying no to Christian makes him hot and heavy. This character is more deplorable with every page. He’s currently on top of my most disliked characters ever list. And this is coming from someone who hates Dolores Umbridge with a passion.
17. “This is mine. All mine. Do you understand?” I wish you guys could see the look on my face, which is a mixture of disgusted and what the everloving fuck.
18. “Be careful, Ana, he’s so controlling” Kate is the voice of reason and Ana is frankly too damn stupid to understand.
19. “I think I love you”. Shoot me, shoot me now.
20. I changed my mind. Ana’s inner goddess is not on top of my mist disliked characters list. #noregrets
21. Apparently, being adorable for 10% of the time completely makes up for being an ass for the rest 90%. Ana’s logic is astounding.
22. Welcome to another episode of “Christian’s Kinky Ways and how Ana never says no and is turned on by everything this man does”. We hope you enjoy yourselves. *throws self off cliff*
23. Well that was uncomfortable to read.
24. They had a deal that he can spank her if he told her something about himself. After some truly cringeworthy paragraphs that I wish to scrape from my memory with a scalpel, we now know that Christian’s mom was a crack-whore and that she died. That is all. Underwhelming, really. I expected more.
25. If Ana asks herself “what does this mean” one more time, I will pay a writer to write a sequel to this god awful novel and make me a character in it so that I can murder her. And her inner goddess. Any takers?
26. One minute she says she’ll sign the contract, the other that she won’t. Also known as: creating unnecessary tension for lack of a better plot. Swell.
27. Who the hell cleans in a pencil skirt? I mean really. Come on.
28. Oh look, the “let’s have sex on a desj and push everything out of the way” cliche. Typical. I should have seen this coming. I’m actually disappointed in myself.
29. This man carries condoms with him everywhere. I shit you not. He’s like a condom vending machine. The Condom Genie. The Wish-A-Condom Foundation.
30. Ana just called him Mr. Boy Scout. Collective groan from me. Yes. Collective. There were several.
31. This is the weirdest post-sexy times conversation ever. Also, oh look, lack of communication as a plot device. Shocking.
32. Please. Make. The. Writer. Stop. Using. Last. Names. Every. Damn. Second. Kthxbye.
33. These people exchange e-mails and have not heard of the Reply button. every e-mail has a different title. Because, haha, look at me, I’m smart and witty. *deep breath*
34. I am officially renaming this book Fifty Shades of Awful Literature.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5