A Little Something About Me

i’ve never been comfortable talking about myself. on the occasion that i do, my friends tell me it sounds like i were speaking of a distant relative instead, who’s died of substance overdose just yesterday.

i am shy. my professor once told me that if we stripped shyness off its sheepskin, we’d be left with a wolf with pride for claws. but she was wrong. because pride’s supposed to be a five-year old’s balloon tied tightly around your neck to keep your head held high, it’s not supposed to be a brick on your head and carried on your back, on your shoulders and definitely not on your heart. i think fear wears shyness like a bulletproof vest in a crowded hall. and you get shot in the chest anyway.

i use way too much contraction. most of the time i feel like i occupy too much space in the world that i feel the need to make myself smaller, make myself less of a hindrance. so that no one would notice me or look at me, force me to speak.

there was a time when i couldn’t even look at my reflection, whether it be in the bathroom or if i pass by quaint little shops uptown with the one-way mirror for walls, even in the puddles after the rain falls. because i believed there was something too hideous lurking there and i thought ignoring it would make it go away. i was wrong. and don’t you think there’s nothing better than admitting you were?

i worry a lot. i’ve read too many books growing up. i overthink. if i were meeting a friend at four in the afternoon and they’d not arrived yet, i’d imagine they’d been hit by a car. i could hear their bones crunching, feel the heat of their blood seeping into the concrete and one day a wildflower just might grow there, right in the middle of the street. or maybe they’d never meant to show up. maybe they’re being kidnapped right at that moment, and when no one hears their scream in the alleys, were they never really raped?

i am selfish. when a friend was ill and had to leave school to be treated, i worried more about being alone in a room full of strangers while we studied trigonometric functions as i tried to sink deeper into my seat so the teacher would have less of a chance of calling me, than her being alone in an air-conditioned room full of tubes while white coats studied her as she tried to keep her body from trembling. goosebumps tattoo her limbs. i need to feel safe. i have an irrational need to feel secure, otherwise i’d lose myself.

for some reason, my brain works best at night. it’s the time i feel most productive and willing to try anything at all. it’s when i write. it’s when i most feel like walking outside and i’d not mind the people looking at me because it’d be dark anyway. we’re all faceless. but i don’t, because i’m a girl. and they tell me it’s scary out there. i wait for the sun to rise.

the first time i wrote poetry for myself was in the form of a suicide note. and thank god for writing, because here i am still.

—request

finally this request; trans gals pearl n amethyst going on a d8

they go out to have fun but it snows unexpectedly and pearl gets mad at amethyst for not wearing warmer clothes so they fight the whole time. the date is miserable. amethyst catches a cold and won’t admit it for a long time but eventually has to, rly grouchy bout it cause she thinks pearl will totally gloat about being right

but pearl just carries her home and doesn’t say anything about how shitty the date was or how silly they were being she just kinda chats and it makes amethyst feel a bit less like she ruined their time 2gether (plus she gets to ride piggyback which is ideal)

Hello Dajo!

A very important person in my life is a transmale! He’s been transitioning openly since his high school days and been on T for over a year and a half as well as successfully changed his name! However in the state of Maryland he cannot change his sex without top surgery! ): He’s doing a great start so far on his fund, but I would love for any help on promoting it! Most of you have a wide audience of tumblr users and I have a special request for you and anyone who sees this to reblog this to help spread the word, as well as donate of course! Thank you so much guys!

http://www.gofundme.com/7cvtyk

Here is Tyler’s message!

“Hi, my name is Tyler and I’m trying to raise money for a surgery that I’m going to be getting in the nearish future. I’m a transguy and I bind my chest every day,which takes a toll on my back, ribs, lungs, etc. I found a surgeon that’s close by, but I don’t have the funds to pay for it myself. And since insurance companies don’t see the surgery as a “must have,” they won’t help cover any of the costs. I’m a college student, so I don’t have much money to begin with, and I’m also one of four kids living in a household with my mom and stepdad. My brother has a lot of health problems, so my mom is always going to the hospital with him, so realistically I have to raise the money for my surgery alone. Which is hard when you live in a small town that is mostly conservative. My goal is $8000 so I can be able to pay for the surgery without having to ask my mom for help. Any and all donations are appreciated.”

So something in the latest episode of Fairy Tail pissed me off to no end.

Since this is the anime we get to see extra stuff that wasn’t included in the manga and one of those was Jet and Droy.

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and Droy literally thinks he’s going to die. SPOILER: He does. And what was his last request to Jet? To protect Levy.

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So since this is Fairy Tail a motivation speech gets him going. And who’s in it? Levy.

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But who’s the only person Levy’s fucking concern about? Fucking Gajeel.

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For fucks sake its like Levy’s character has been demoted to only Gajeel’s love interest who can only mutter his name.

Seriously. Stop.

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I found the Combee shiny story really cute, so I couldn’t resist making these backgrounds in honor of Honeyglow. uwu

Free to use for non-profit. Credit not needed but appreciated. Please do not edit or repost. c:

Check out my pokebackgrounds tag for more backgrounds!

All requests in my inbox will be DELETED! Please reply/reblog here instead! Check here for commission info! c:

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