1,004 things yani-rejected likes Explore more popular stuff on Tumblr →

Kind of.

As heart to heart as I can get with my West Indian mother.

We discussed her involvement with my self esteem issues, and for once, she didn’t deny the things she said to me as a child. I told her how deeply they affected me, and how I just really finally needed to talk to someone.

She told me to talk to her, and I laughed.

Then she asked if I was suicidal— I deflected that question. She asked what I thought was wrong with me, I listed some personality disorders, and my cutting and possible eating disorder. She apparently thought I stopped cutting in High School.

I told her it wasn’t true. She asked how recently and I deflected. She tried to say that I was just “stressed” to which I replied that wasn’t… a normal outlet for stress.

Then she told me I was weak which pissed me off, but my Mother has been teaching my patience recently. Then I told her that if I was weak I would’ve committed suicide when I was 15.

I also told her she should’ve spoken up and gotten me help about my cutting sooner… but now it is finally my turn to do something about it.

She told me she supports my decision, and that she hopes I can find the answers that I’m looking for.

She also broke down and felt very guilty that she contributed to my feelings of self-hatred and low self-esteem… she said that she’d pray that I could, somewhere in my heart, find it in mine to forgive her.

That meant more to me than she’ll ever know, just the acknowledgement.

So now I’m nervous, but I can’t wait to meet with my psychologist. I’m calling first thing tomorrow morning. Hopefully she’s taking new patients…

Progress is a beautiful thing.