Right now I’m going through one of the most difficult times in my life, undeniably the worst thing I’ve experienced. I know crying and wanting to lay in bed all day is a part of it and I know this is part of the process and I’m not the first to experience this but it sucks. It’s the worst feeling ever, I feel like I’m mourning something/someone yet that person is not dead and that something is still my reality. For so many months I’ve held it together, well tried to and at some point it hits you with a ton of bricks that you are not OK and you just lose it. Today I woke up feeling like life was kicking my ass and I didn’t know how to nor did I want to fight back. Sometimes you get lost in the day-to-day shuffle of things and you sweep things under the rug most likely out of fear of dealing with them. Fear is a crazy thing to me, fear evokes anger, anxiety, sadness a myriad of feelings not many people like to feel, yet it is summed up in one word. A lot of times people associate change with fear, I know right now in my life I do. I wonder do I have the strength or the courage, will I be ok, will everyone my situation affects be ok? Going through life changes especially relationship ones are already hard enough, but when you add children things get real, fast. It’s also difficult when you love someone so much, but there has been a lot of hurt and damage that just can’t be fixed which saddens me deeply, and me being a control freak, it’s hard for me to accept that I can’t fix things and it makes me feel as though I’ve failed. Was I a bad wife? A bad mother? What could I have done more to make this person happy? These are things that run through my head to make sense of it all, but doing this will just drive you crazy when you know you did everything you could to not be a bad wife or mother. I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face because I am scared of ‘tomorrow’ and saddened by today.
I wrote that yesterday and I debated putting it on my blog to be public for the world to see, but obviously decided I should. I know I am not alone in this feeling and I hope that maybe this helps someone who might be feeling the same way even if it’s not the same situation just the theory of change and being afraid of the unknown. Yesterday I felt like a zombie and felt like I couldn’t even make it through the next 10 minutes let alone the day, but I did. Tears and struggle, I did it, which means you can as well. Today I woke up in a better place, not nearly as dark and as much pain as I was experiencing yesterday, I’m glad I went through it because it was a cathartic moment that brought me some clarity.