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regulateddiscord reblogged cuttlebubbles:
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triumphantapostle reblogged doof-festival:The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
- Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
- Witness: "I only have one, you know."
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- Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
- Witness: "By death."
- Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
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- Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
- The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
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- Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
- Witness: "July 15th."
- Lawyer: "What year?"
- Witness: "Every year."
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- Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
- Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
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- Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
- Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
- Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
- Witness: "Er...his face."
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- Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
- Witness: "Yes."
- Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
- Witness: "I forget."
- Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
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- Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
- Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
- Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
- Witness: "Forty-five years."
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- Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
- Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
- Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
- Witness: "My name is Susan."
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- Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
- Witness: "No."
- Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
- Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
- Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
- Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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- Lawyer: "What happened then?"
- Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
- Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
- Witness: "No."
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- Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
- Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
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- Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
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- Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
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- Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
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- Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
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- Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
- Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
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- Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
- Witness: "That's me."
- Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
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- Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
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- Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
- Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
- Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
- Witness: "Yes."
- Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
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- Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
- Witness: "Yes."
- Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
- Witness: "None."
- Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
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- Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
- Witness: "Yes."
- Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
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- Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
- Witness: "Borofkin."
- Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
- Witness: "I can't remember."
- Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
- Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
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- Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
- Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
- Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
- Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
- Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
- Witness: "No."
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- Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
- Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
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- Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
- Witness: "Yes sir."
- Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
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- Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
- Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
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- Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
- Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
- Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
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- Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
- Witness: "I could see his head."
- Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
- Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
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- Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
- Witness: "The victim lived."
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super-gays reblogged atrueenglishman:[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Didn’t see the movie yet but reblogging because
look at the amount of swag in this photoset
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How are there so many of you guys. Seriously, what the hell, you crazy motherfuckers—
Anyways, thank you so much!
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so Dave a Dirk totally play pottermore
and like they take the tests separately so it’s fair and omg Dave gets hucked in griffindor and and dirk gets put in slytherin.
dirk gets more upset about it than dave does bc he hates being different but dave starts to take house pride way too seriously and he won’t cuddle or kiss dirk anymore bc that’s consulting with the enemy and he snarks on him more and doesnt ever say nice things and just generally becomes an asshole
and dirk like gets seriously sad about it and starts losing sleep and a little weight bc he thinks Dave actually hates him now???
and wow Dave suddenly notices that his brother looks seriously stressed out and and touches his shoulder like to ask what’s wrong and
dirk flinches and jerks away and shoots him a slightly scared look and
wow dave’s never felt more terrible in his entire life and he pulls dirk into his arms and buries his face in his hair and apologizes profusely and says he’s going to stop playing and
dirk just breaks down and starts crying and he curls his fingers in Dave’s shirt and mumbles never again over and over because he’d never been more frightened of losing Dave
and Dave just pulls back and kisses his brothers forehead and tells him he’s sorry and he loves him and that’s never going to change
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laughing during sex is so damn cute awwhhwwwwhwh
does anyone know of any fics with literally like any pairing (het, gay, troll, human.. anything) where they just smile and laugh and tickle and are happy and loving and consensual and it’s just great and stuff
it can turn into passion, though lighthearted mood all the way through would be adorable too, but in general I’d just love to read about giggly foreplay and breathy laughing and talking about silly things and kissing the other to make them shut up but they can’t cause they’re both smiling and laughing too much and it’s infectious and one person might stop laughing but the other starts right back up and they’re both laughing again
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Hmm, it’d truly be a s)(ame if you didn’t get to see t)(at prince of yours!
…Wait, you can help me with that?
haha remember i said i would finish this well i did wow slams head against desk
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I just got this from Sai:
- Huggy!Dave (sai): yo sis heard it was your birthday snap
- so i figured id spit you a birthday rap
- youre sweet and clever like no ones biz
- yeah youre the best girl youre the shiz
- so keep up a smile and let it show
- cuz youre the one and only kitch ya know
- so heres dave strider sayin loud and clear
- happy birthday kitchenkind my dear
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- Huggy!Dave (sai): lol floor i thought they were still on the bed?
- Actual Cannibal RD: fuck
- Actual Cannibal RD: FIXED
- Huggy!Dave (sai): just
- Huggy!Dave (sai): john faceplanting onto the floor
- Actual Cannibal RD: shhh they teleported
- Huggy!Dave (sai): because of tailcock
- Actual Cannibal RD: I FIXED IT JEEZ
- alice is not a creative color: pfffft
- Huggy!Dave (sai): i'm still laughing though
- Actual Cannibal RD: STOP HURTING MY FEEFEES
- Huggy!Dave (sai): I BUTTS YOU ALEX
- Actual Cannibal RD: Someone just
- Actual Cannibal RD: draw that happening
- Huggy!Dave (sai): AE:UIGKBJRSF
- Actual Cannibal RD: OOPS TAIL AROUND DICK SUDDENLY FACEPLANT ON FLOOR
- alice is not a creative color: MAKE IT HAPEN SAI
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suffren reblogged jakeenglish:[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]
killthebloodyredprinceofdeath:
A little backstory to this clip before you watch it:
Will Smith’s father abandoned him and his mother when he was a child, and when Will was finally getting into show business and making a name for himself, he tried to sneak his way back into his life like nothing happened. Will co-wrote this episode, and James Avery (Uncle Phil) said “this scene was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to shoot in my life. Every emotion, every word.. that was Will”
Will was actually supposed to play it off and then walk away, and there was originally an alternate scene that was supposed to happen, but he actually completely cut out what was supposed to be said, and did all of his own dialogue. The hug at the end of this scene is completely genuine, and this was a stepping stone in Will’s career where he started to take on the “do what feels, sounds, and looks right” approach to his acting.
FOREVER REBLOG!
i just teared up watching this… favorite actor. ♥
FOREVER REBLOG.
shit that was powerful
