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Yesterday afternoon I headed to Nordstrom to buy gifts for a baby shower I was attending that evening. While waiting for the associate to box my gifts, a woman was babbling incoherently on the other side of the register to the associate. She said, “And NOW Connecticut is trying to do away with Christmas! You can’t do away with Christmas! They want to call it “winter” or something, not even a holiday! And you know, I’ll feel bad because if there were no Christmas, all you people would be out of a job!”

The associate was patient in responding, albeit slightly obliviously. (Oh no! That’s terrible!) Granted, I too would agree quietly any other day, in a vain attempt to get this woman off her pulpit and out of my goddamned department. Any other day I would ball my hands until my fingernails drew blood and curse the twat the second she left the area.

Yesterday was NOT THAT DAY. I opened my big, fat, unruly mouth and said, “A lot of governments refer to holidays in that matter because not everyone is Christian and doesn’t appreciate the religious connotations.” And lo, the conversation floweth over:

Bag Lady: I get that; whatever, I respect EVERYONE and other beliefs, but they’re not even saying HOLIDAYS!

PM: Well, not everyone believes in a God, period.

Bag Lady: HOLIDAYS aren’t religious! I mean, Halloween? I mean, WINTER? HAPPY WINTER! You know, the liberals just want everyone to be out of a job and not celebrate Christmas. I hate liberals.

PM: Halloween was originally a religious celebration honoring the spirits of the departed. It has become a HIGHLY secularized holiday, sure, but its connotation remains. And “holiday” is a corrupted form of “holy day”, but whatever.

Bag Lady: I would just feel awful if all you people would be out of a job because there would be no more Christmas. Without Christmas, people wouldn’t buy things! I mean, Christmas is about giving and loving! I mean, don’t you think that’s awful?

Associate: I’m Jewish, so I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I don’t really care what anyone calls it. I’m not offended. And it’s certainly not about buying gifts.

Bag Lady: WELL then YOU can’t say Merry Christmas, but I CAN, and I WANT TO, and these liberals want everyone to be miserable and out of work and forget about the meaning of Christmas.

PM: OKAY. First, just because you call something by a different name does not mean it is being abolished, so you might want to rethink your argument before you engage someone else. I find it HIGHLY dubious that you yourself advocate the “true” meaning of Christmas, as you seem to show your “love” through the endless volumes of Nordstrom bags you are currently carrying. Also, if you truly were as good of a Christian as you claim to be, you would be advocating the love, hope, and acceptance celebrated through the birth of Christ as opposed to bullying from your pulpit. And finally, in case you haven’t noticed, the retail world does just fine the other 11 months of the year when there is no Christmas, and unless the “you people” you address so disdainfully are seasonal employees, ALL of them would have a job regardless of Christmas.

Bag Lady: WELL. I hate liberals. And MERRRRY CHRRISTMAS!

PM: Enjoy your Kwanzaa.

::she walks off::

I rarely get to be this bitchy in public. It was my Christmas gift to myself.

(in no particular order)
1. Shah Rukh Khan
2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
3. Jake Gyllenhaal
4. Johnny Depp
5. Robert Downey, Jr.
6. Amitabh Bacchan (whatever, you would too if he fucking asked)
7. Bill Clinton (SAME GOES)

T B C

oh, and if he’s dating me, he would not mind.
i would allow him a list as well.