I see a lot of people responded to my Throwback Semi-SST pictures of me and my ex-boyfriend. Suzyfuckingtaco remarked at how happy I looked and I will say that is genuine happiness, that was me at the very pinnacle of perfect enjoyment I’ve ever had before or since in a relationship.
Why. The. Fuck?
Long story short, he turned out to be not only just as needy as Brian (the last one, MrBrownEye), but also extremely materialistic.
I realize now that I choose needy people for my partners. But why? There’s a part of me that “needs” as much as the others, but there is another part that is independent. She craves solemnity and independence as part of her lifestyle, while all the while needing someone to need who needs her. Confused?
Glenyrd posted something recently about guarding your heart fully so that it’s easier to “return back to normal,” (I am totally paraphrasing so don’t send a hundred inbox messages to me). I’m not sure I fully agree. I enjoy opening my heart to people. Maybe I should do it a little less in the future, however.
But his basic message about not, or trying not, to let love bother him, and just let things happen I think is very sage advice. You’re less likely to feel lonely as you aren’t waiting for anyone, you may focus more on the important things in front of you, and you aren’t losing the precious life moments that are running past your eyeballs.
There is plenty of time to love another human in life. But today I’m just going to do some laundry, walk to my local produce market, go on the internet in search of a job, and talk to some friends. Maybe love will find it’s way in there somewhere.
I do wish to one day find myself loving like in those pictures again. But this time, he’ll be worth it.
