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I would order a stay of execution on all turkeys nationwide until such time as we have enough confidence in our turkey justice system that we can be reasonably certain they are all guilty.

It’s better to skip a meal than eat crap barbeque and be made angry and ashamed. Look out for these warnings:

• no hot sauce on the tables. Anywhere with good BBQ will have so many people asking for hot sauce that it will already be out. Furthermore, if you want NC-style barbeque, there should be vinegar-based sauce out.
• photos on the wall of great barbeque chefs. No photos of where you currently are, and none of the chefs work here.
• beer is in a fridge by the hostess stand.
• none of the other (few) customers are fat. Fat people don’t waste time with bullshit BBQ. Also, good BBQ tends to have really old people at it too.
• non-BBQ menu items. ESPECIALLY burritos/Mexican.
• fucked up coleslaw. People in LA have no clue with the slaw. Just do whatever you want? Is that it? It’s not a fucking cabbage salad.
• no hushpuppies or fried bread of any sort.

The menu should say pick meat and pick side. That’s it.

Pulled pork should not be served in sauce. Put sauce on if you like, but it should taste good without sauce. The sauce should not have tomato paste or molasses in it. Put that shit on ribs.

I guess this place fancies itself “Santa Maria” style BBQ. I am sure Santa Maria BBQ does not resemble the gray mush I ate tonight.

It’s not just that the Ugg boots you overpaid for three years ago continue to look hideous. The reason any man of character instantly finds you unattractive when he sees you wearing those stupid, stupid things is that you’re saying to the world “I bought into a fashion promulgated by the most shallow our generation had to offer.”

Trends are fine, they come and go, we laugh at the pictures ten years later. Being mindful of their genesis is a skill worth honing, though.