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I want to watch Easy A and just relate to the whole film over and over again. It’s been such an uplifting movie for me in so many different occasions and now I think I’m seeing a new layer to it. 

I don’t know how to be confident and comfortable and be sexually provocative. I don’t know how to feel about one-night stands. I don’t know how to make sense between the desire to show off my ass and the hollowness that follows. Throughout the whole of it, all I can think of is “Does this matter?” and the answer is no which doesn’t solve my dilema. I can show off my ass, my cock, sleep with whoever but does that make me happy? I want to do it, but I’m not 100% comfortable doing it around strangers. But if I want to do it now and I’m not in a position where I’m surrounded by dear friends, than what do I do? 

I went on a quasi-date today. Guy’s personality is not my type: seems to dislike liberals (worked for Boehnor, rips on Pelosi, doesn’t like Conrad, didn’t vote for Obama, etc.), called Oprah fat and unattractive, and a lot of conversation was about him (to be fair, when we don’t know what to talk about it it’s easy to talk about yourself).  

Walking back from it, I was wondering what I wanted to do. On one hand, he was run of the mill douchey type, but on the other it was something I’m not going to immediately write off because it was tolerable. What tolerable means, well I don’t know. Like, one night stand would probably be okay because hey, I can tolerate it and I’m doing it for me too. Is it selling myself short? I don’t know. Probably, but it is a problem if I don’t put up with it? I am putting up with it now, but I’m looking at it as ends balancing out the means. 

This just became one of those incidents where once you write something out, you realize how not into a person you are. And I realized that a lot of this is about power. Me going and fucking him isn’t me holding the power to go decide to fuck someone, but rather me conceding that I would be okay fucking him. I want to feel comfortable with a person because then I feel we’re equals; if not, then I would say I tend to take the more subordinate role. I want the power to want to fuck someone who I want to fuck. I want to feel the power to say “Let’s go into details about your political beliefs instead of surface issues.” and “Oprah’s weight has nothing to do with this conversation (unless we are discussing society’s reaction to her weight gain as it pertains to the ratings of her new network and, if that’s what we’re discussing then we will make clear that we are not going to be fat-shaming douches). 

I still kind of want to sleep with him. And I might and see how it goes and how I react. It’s kind of lame because most of my sex has fallen under that category versus awesome sex, but after talking about it I feel like I’m more in control over myself to make these decisions for me rather than him. Or, you know, I could say second date. I don’t necessarily have to fuck him after just meeting him. 

I don’t know. Judy Blume should have prepared me for this. 

I JUST GOT CAST IN THE LONE RANGER MOVIE. THE ONE DISNEY IS DOING. THE ONE WITH JOHNNY DEPP.

I finally emailed the casting people because the costumer told me to ask them and she just texted back and asked me if I have a place to stay in Creede! I’m an extra, so it’s not like a breakthrough role or anything, but that doesn’t matter, it’s a Disney movie! Think about how that’ll look on a resume! I don’t have a place to stay right now, but I don’t care, I will find someplace or even set up a tent in the forest next to the town if I have to because I’M GONNA BE IN THE SAME MOVIE AS JOHNNY DEPP.