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Yes there was one in elementary but I don’t consider that a relationship. I didn’t know what love was. There were so many times when I could of had one but I knew for sure I wasn’t ready. Now that I am there’s literally no one out there. They’re either taken, too boring, not my type, or just heart breakers that cheat on you.

I don’t need you as a boyfriend, as someone I want to date. I need you as a friend for when I need one the most. Just because I have a small crush doesn’t mean I want to make out with you everytime I ask to hang out. I want to be able to call you at 4 am crying because of my problems, and have you come over when I need you and you’re not at work. I don’t understand how you can let me be that for you, but when I need someone to talk to you stop responding. Just because I text you doesn’t mean I want to flirt, it’s because I need a friend, and someone to talk too. You’re an amazing person, and all I want is a shoulder to cry on, and a chest to lay on when I’m feeling calm. I want to lay in the grass and listen to the kind of music we love, while the clouds move slowly, with the way of the wind. I want to just talk about our problems, and enjoy each others company, the most I would want, is to have your fingers intertwine with mine, and just lay with you in the grass and talk about the world, the past, the future, the current problems. If I could have one thing, it’d be that moment. The moment of feeling a piece of bliss. Maybe one day you’ll feel the same, and we can do that. Until then, I’ll sit here and just type stupid Tumblr posts that you’ll never see, and I just mope about how much I hate everything. Maybe one day you’ll ask to see me, and I’ll be there. 

thank you, i hate you, i’m sorry

thank you
because without your support, i wouldn’t be here
i wouldn’t have stayed when things got hard
i wouldn’t have believe that i could find a life.
thank you for the way you know me,
for being my best friend for what feels like forever,
and for raising the bar so high i don’t know where to begin.
thank you for knowing to let go before things got ugly.
on some level, you must’ve known that forcing me to fly
would force you to fly too, to do the things you know you need.
and maybe you even share the belief that our paths
will join us together again, and for always.

i hate you
for not wanting it badly enough,
for not believing we could do this together,
for not following through.
i hate that you didn’t have the balls to take a chance,
to explore this place that’s filled with your dreams.
i hate that you don’t even seem to be doing
the things that made you stay.
i hate the way you tell me how you feel almost always hurts,
and that most of the time you just don’t tell me at all.
i hate that you are the only guy i can imagine loving,
and you make letting go seem so easy, 
like it doesn’t hurt at all,
like you don’t ever cry.

i’m sorry
i left the way i did,
because of what it said to you:
that i would always expect you to follow.
i’m sorry i didn’t see it like that.
i thought paing the way would create 
an adventure that would change our lives.
i’m sorry i didn’t wait until you were ready,
that i didn’t think i could, so the decision didn’t feel like yours.
i’m sorry it seemed like your opinion wasn’t important,
when nothing could be further from the truth. 
i’m sorry that i doubted our future, and made you doubt it too.
i didn’t know well enough myself to tell you
all the things that needed to change, and why.
we both thought we’d have more time, and then i left.
i’ll always be sorry for that.

my boyfriend stayed home from school sick. He was all wrapped up in his blankie and he was sooo fuckin’ cute. He didn’t have much of a voice and he had this sweet innocent look in his face. I couldn’t help but melt into him. It was so nice to be able to make him lunch and coco and rub his back and put a rag over his forhead. I loved being able to take care of him and for once, I felt like I was able to keep him safe. It was a good good feeling. (:

Okay, i’m done being awkward now. Thanks <3

Just saw 21 Jumpstreet… Channing Tatum, you may have been replaced by Dave Franco as my new obsession.