A STORY ABOUT HOW I'M A BITCH
- Zeda: OH MAN I JUST REMEMBERED A STORY
- Mary: YEAH?
- Zeda: I was zoning out, thinking about cheesy romantic shit that uu would like
- Zeda: And I remembered those doofy flash cards that people send to their loved ones on holidays
- Zeda: you know, you click the link and there's some usually poorly-made flash where like. Birdies fly around and spell-out 'HAPPY VALENTINES DAY' in pieces of ribbon and flowers or some shit
- Zeda: WELL
- Zeda: there was this girl who REALLY liked my friend and would not take no for an answer, right? And she had been told flat-out 'NO I DON'T WANNA' DATE YOU' on several occasions and was really vocal about how she thought that my friend's BFF was the one 'in the way of their love' and 'keeping them apart.'
- Zeda: So I was like 'dude I know how to handle this.'
- Zeda: So I found the longest, most romantic bullshit virtual greeting card EVER. This pair of scissors was dancing the nutcracker suite as it cut up ribbons and paper and shit and slowly formed this obvious lacey paper heart card
- Zeda: and after literally a full minute of romantic music and dancing scissors and glitter and shit, the card opens as the music builds to a crescendo, and the words "I WILL NEVER DATE YOU' were inside
- Zeda: I thought it was hilarious because I'm a bitch
- Mary: OH MY GOOOOOOD
- Mary: OH MY /GOD/
- Mary: I AM /DYING/
- Zeda: IT HAS BEEN YEARS AND I AM STILL PATTING MYSELF ON THE BACK FOR THAT ONE
- Zeda: THAT would be the ultimate trolling for uu, PS.
- Zeda: Here he is all worked-up, just about there, OH THE MUSIC IS BUILDING-- and then it's like being slapped in the face with a limp dick
- Mary: I think he would cry
- Zeda: It is a measurement of my humanity that I easily feel WAY worse imagining uu crying at that than I do having done that to a literal human being
- Zeda: I'm awesome.
