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I get that you’re sad, and I’m sorry for that. But you know what? You’re not the only one. Everyone is struggling. Even if you can’t see it, and even if they don’t show it. Everyone is going through something difficult and everyone is hurting one way or another. Sure, some more than others. But you seem to think that you’re a unique little snowflake because you’re unhappy with your life and the way things are and instead of trying to make things better for yourself, you’re just creating this world of negativity that seems to be swallowing everything around you.

Obviously I’m not one to talk. I’ve given up on the world so many times that I hardly deserve another chance to be a part of it. I take my friends for granted, I get sad for no reason at all, and when bad things happen, and I actually have a reason to be sad, I hide away and pretend it’s not real instead of just facing my problems and accepting that I need help. I’ve attempted to take my life on two separate occasions, both of which were thankfully unsuccessful, and one of which, only a few people even knew about before now. Some days I wake up and all I can do is cry. I cry for everything that I never accomplished, and I cry for the meaningless charade that my life seems to have become.

But other days I wake up with hope. Other days I look at the world and I see magic and possibilities. I see strength and kindness in the faces of strangers on the streets. And I see new beginnings happening everywhere.

The point I’m trying to make is that to me, living is occasionally a struggle. But you can’t know that simply by looking at me, or reading my facebook statuses. You can’t read my mind simply by looking at the smile on my face, or the lack there of.

And I know that I’m no different than anyone else. I can fool people into thinking I’m the happiest girl alive, but it certainly doesn’t make it true. And the same goes for the people around me. My friends, my family, the strangers I pass on the street or at school. Which is why I can say that I do not believe that I am unique, or special, when it comes to my confusion and my depression. Because everyone is confused. If anything, it’s something that humanity as a whole can bond over.

I don’t expect to be treated any different than any other person because of my personal hardships, and I certainly don’t expect anyone to feel sorry for me, nor do I want them to. 

What I do expect is  a chance to change and grow. Just like everyone else. A chance to move on with my life and create a new beginning for myself. A chance to truly make myself happy. I know that the only way to get that chance is to stop giving up and to force myself to put everything I have into the world and hope for the best.

And you deserve that chance too. But you have to stop expecting the world to feel sorry for you. You have to realize that you aren’t the only one who is sad. 

When you hear someone talk about something bad that happened in their life, don’t try to one up them. When you go a few days without receiving a single phone call or text message, don’t decide that you aren’t worthy of friendship or that you aren’t loved. The world is not made up of absolutes. Don’t be a Sith. Sith Lords thrive on unhappiness and negativity, so that is the last thing you want to become. But you have to stop expecting so much of the world and of yourself.

Now, I’m not at all saying “EVERYONE IS SAD SO STOP WHINING AND DEAL WITH IT.” I’m just saying that you need to stop assuming that you’re alone with your sadness. And you also need to stop thinking that your sadness makes you more deserving of things than other people. You shouldn’t assume that depression/hardships/handi-caps are tools to help you get what you want without having to work for it. 

Further more, stop assuming that the people around you aren’t struggling. Because like I said, you can never know what a person is going through, or feeling, simply by looking at them, or reading their facebook statuses/tumblr posts/tweets and so on. 

Just focus on yourself, work hard on the things you need/want to work on, and don’t listen when you’re told you don’t deserve happiness or that you aren’t good enough. 

And don’t give up.

End of rant.

~Emily<3

the picture i’m getting is that i am not able to fulfill any of your emotional or physical needs—i’m trying to say that in a fair way, not in a critical way, to acknowledge that maybe i used to but don’t anymore—and that my very presence and attempts to improve our life together are harmful to you. i think for all the great things you could say about your relationships, there’s nothing good left for me to offer you, nothing good to be said about what i’ve done for you, especially as i sucked you dry the past two years. i think i’ve intimidated, bullied, pushed and pulled you into this level of unhappiness, and i think you deserve better. i never meant to do those things: i always wanted the best for you and for us, and i always wanted a life with you. i still feel happy in your presence. i still miss you when we’re apart. seeing you, waking up next to you, those moments when we connect: those are still the best moments in my days. you still feel like home to me, like my other half.

i always wanted us to have these kinds of conversations, this level of openness. i recognize that i prevented that, especially through my mental illness, but i wanted it. i’m sorry for the way i drove us apart. i’m so, so, so sorry for the pain you’ve been in, and i’m sorry i didn’t know or do a better job of finding that out. i never wanted you to resent me like you do. i never wanted to make you submit to my demands. i always wanted us to be partners, i just wanted you to be more active about your wants and needs. i know i was severely fucked up for a very long time, but i did try to build toward this openness—i did always want to have your input, and that was my motivation in urging us towards couple’s counseling. i know i was also cruel and disrespectful and i belittled you, and that prevented you from being able to share your feelings with me or trust me.

i’m sorry. i feel so terrible that i don’t know where to go from here. i want you to have good things and happiness, and i think i can’t give them to you. i hate that, because i love you so much, and all i’ve ever wanted was to be the person who made you laugh and feel loved and safe. i’ve failed. i’m sorry.