Peer Pressure Will Forever Haunt My Dreams
Now that we have broken the ice with my first post I guess it’s time to tell a little story to fill you all in on what kind of person I am… When I’m drunk. Lets face it, most sober people are boring. If they arent boring then I bet they are a blast when they are hammered. Im sure every guy my age has a similar story to tell. Everyone at some point wants to be the Tucker Max/Frank the Tank of their group. This story will pick up in Ocean City MD.
It was the typical “guys” trip to end the summer type of deal. We would all get together and drive down to Ocean City for Labor day weekend and enjoy ourselves for a few days. Call it a long weekend if you will. I was slightly short on money at the time but never one to say no to a chance to get drunk and try my luck with women who were more drunk. At this point in my life, I was fat. I wasnt always fat but I was then and I am now. We’ll get into that in a different post though. So anyways, here we are Fred (one of my best buddies) and I making the trek to meet the rest of the guys who had left NY earlier than us. On the way down we thought to ourselves that this was going to be a real fun trip. One that would break records in our book. Girls, bars, skydiving, golf, poolside drinks and some well needed rest from the hells of work. Little did we know that nearly 10 years later we would still be talking about it like it happened only yesterday. I would like to thank god at this point in the post for not having facebook and social media be so popular when we went down there otherwise my mother probably would have changed the locks on the house and pretended my family didnt live there anymore when I got back.
Fred and I arrived late Friday night maybe around 9 or 10pm. We were the last ones to get there and all the guys were already out at a club called Seacrets. After a few phone calls we were informed we couldnt get into the hotel just yet so just get changed by the car and come straight in to the bar. We happily obliged. After about a 20 minute wait on the line I get to the front and the bouncer takes one look at me and says “No shorts below the knee sorry man cant let you in.” FML are we serious right now? I just drove all the way down here and who the hell wears shorts signifigantly above the knee anymore? Dont get me wrong here I wasnt dressed like a hoodlum, I had plaid shorts on. So I go to the car, roll up the top of my shorts to hold and head back in. Bouncer looks at me again and laughs….but let’s me in. As we walked down this bamboo runway which I probably drooled all the way down from the sight of scantily clad drunk chicks all around, we made our way to the guys. Good luck finding everyone. There were about 15 bars inside outside and in the damn ocean. Damned if I knew but to this day that place holds a dear spot to my heart.
Let the drinking begin. 1,2,3,4,12,15,20 they were going down like water. next thing I know im in the middle of a rave with a bachelorette party. Not one to be shy especially under the influence, I start shaking my ass like I was in a Juvenile back that ass up rap video. I will probably referece this dance move many times in my posts as its my go to ice breaker. For some reason I was born with the ability to shake my ass better than any stripper or Ghetto black chick on the planet. The fact that im “chubby” probably makes it look all that much better. At least thats what Im thinking when I am in the zone. 2am, 3am, cant find anyone am, mine as well go back to the hotel with the chicks and see what happens right? If you answered right in your head just now then you’re still on my page. So I go back and let me tell you one thing and let it be a lesson to you all trying to be Frank the tank. When you are in a strange place and havent even been to your own hotel room yet, DO NOT EVER walk the complete opposite direction for miles drunk unless you know theres a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. I didnt know at the time but there was a little zip lock bag of gold at the end for me so it worked out. On my way out of the “other” hotel it then dawned on me. Im fucking plastered and lucky I can walk upright now and I have no idea which way my hotel was. I guessed the right direction and with a little help from my friend Marty on the phone made it back in time to see one of the wildest and grossest things that still amazes me to this day.
I enter the Hotel to much fanfare from everyone assembled. Mostly getting made fun of probably because I was either fat, graduated 264 out of 269 (later post), or I did something stupid. All of those are still daily occurences. Either way it doesnt matter. There is this loud cackling coming from the bed on the far side of the room and I see a camera of some sort. Cant remember if it was a video camera or regular camera but I wanna see what John and Bobby are laughing at along with everyone else on the floor laughing. Turns out a buddy of mine who shall remain nameless due to his profession got walked in on while he was taking a shit. Thats pretty normal in a room full of drunk friends since the 1st grade. What’s not normal is the image I saw on that camera. My friend who is a male, looked like he had a vagina with a fully functioning clitoris. I swear I thought I was seeing things from drinking too much. He is trying to explain that anyone can do that and make it look like that. To this day I love him like a brother but I have been trying everytime I shit to make that and I have come to the conclusion that he may not have a penis. That may have been a Vagina. Its one of those things you try not to think about you just sweep under the rug but the image is BURNED in my brain. Pretty sure we all called it a night after that. The only one sleeping with a chick that night was Bobby who was sharing the bed with my nameless friend.
Saturday afternoon was a doozy. Felt like I got hit by a fucking Mack truck and my wallet was WAY to light for the budget I had. Skydiving for me was a no go even though that was Sundays plan. How do you get rid of a bad hangover? Start drinking. Where does everyone wanna drink? Seacrets. What bar will we choose? the ocean bar. FML. Im fat, hairy and white as hell not to mention at this point im about half way through a bet with other friends to gro an afro. I look like an ugly Artie Lang and for those of you who dont know him, he’s not pretty. Oh well drown the self esteem while your swimming to the bar I guess and get drunk. Tip to fat guys with beer bellies #1: When in the water make sure you are at least belly button deep and you MIGHT have a chance at not being noticed around all your friends that have 6 packs. Tip#2 stay out of all pictures. I failed both of these miserably. My only saving grace to not being tan was that my friend Fred is a ginger and if I stayed close to him I would look like I had a tan even though it was my hair sweater. Fun day all around, nice little Saturday getting boxed. Time to go reload grab some chow and get ready for nightime festivities.
If you talk to my friend Troy he will say this night was the defining moment of my career. If you look at the first picture I ever poster here about the black rhino you’ll begin to see why. My friend Bobby meets a smoking hot chick with NOT smoking hot friends. One of them is the Rhino. I am 3/4 in the bag and agree to tag along wether he liked it or not. In comes the 2nd showing of Sir mix alots babys got back to make myself feel better. Crowd pleaser to say the least. Bobby is doing well and I am to the point I dont know what my name is. Somwhere along the line could have been a bet, could have been me being me I decide to do my best Joe Namath impression and I want a kiss. It’s late all the girls either had guys already or were lesbians in my opinion. Look left… my friends waiting to leave. Look straight…Bobby and his girl and her friends with cameras. Look right…. BAM!!! Spilled drink all over my god damn brand new shirt from who else…. the Rhino. This opens the door… shes cleaning me off, I just want a kiss. Pucker up baby this is going to be the best time of your life. Mind you right now I am in the movie Shallow Hal. Im about to start making out with Beyonce and Tyra Banks all at once. Here we go baby…. and it happens. I was proud. Until I saw the pictures when we got home. The Rhino ATE Tyra Banks and Beyonce and I truly believe had I not gotten out when I did I would be next. Lets make a move and get outta there. Gotta walk back to the hotel. Gotta pee so bad I wanna tie my dick and balls in a knot. I cant hold it. Walking down what seemed like the busiest road in history and EVERYONE leaving the bars I decide im going to pee on the side of this burger joint. PEER PRESSURE ALERT #1. Troy: ” bro look at that guy passed out on that bench” Me:”Should I pee on him?” Troy: “You wont” Me- silly drunk smirk. Unzip and unload. I didnt pee on this guys shoe in a back alley somewhere. I pissed one of those drunk pisses that takes like 5 minutes to finish and shake and another minute to let the reserves out so you dont piss your shorts. I also was aimed directly on his face and neck area in front of a standing room only crowd. How this poor bastard didnt wake up is beyond me, how someone didnt kick “the piss” out of me? no idea. Troy made that event known to what seemed like the entire state of Maryland at that moment. Once again glad facebook wasnt popular then. Keep in mind I was a young pompous jerk back then. I have since slightly curbed my enthusiasm with doing such things now that I have a real job and responsibilites. To bed we all went with smiles…. especially Troy who happened to rendevous with a boy named Tyler. That story is too much for this post though.
Sunday Funday is upon us. Wake up quick pool session playing chicken with fat chicks and the other half of us are at the beach. Pool group which I am in along with Troy gets back to the hotel which overlooks the main (busy) street and the boardwalk from the beach to the hotel. As I am stark naked getting dressed I notice the rest of the guys walking back. I consider mooning them but they wont hear me or see me from the 5th floor inside the hotel. PEER PRESSURE ALERT #2. Troy dares me to get on the window sill naked and flash my junk to them. Didnt take much for me to say best idea ever. How the hell was I gonna get their attention? Here I am… With a tuck that would have made the bad guy in silence of the lambs proud and nobody could hear me. Fuck. Epic Fail now I just look gay. Then BANG BANG BANG! Troy is hitting the window as hard as he could and its LOUD. It is geting the attention of EVERYONE on the street pointing up like the Marshmellow man is attacking NYC. All but the people I wanted to see. Then an onlooker grabs my buddy and points up. Friends are in tears at this point. I dont think its that funny… I look to my right. WHAT THE FUCK IS TROY DOING NAKED ALSO?!?!?! Man Rule #235 it’s unacceptable to be naked in the room with another naked man unless you are eiffel towering a broad or you just finished an organized sport and you need to take a shower. FML again this is rough….
Sunday night and Monday were a blur but at that point I figured my liver hated me and I was going to a place called FAGGERS ISLAND. Just what I needed after that last episode. Fun night, Fun trip and one none of us will ever forget. If there is a moral to this story well then im not really sure what it would be but live life to the fullest and enjoy the times you have cause one day that all comes crashing down. Until then though, Pee where you want and keep the morals at an alltime low and youll get places, like writing a post in a blog. Stay Classy everyone and ill catch you tomorrow with more fun stories.
