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I am coming up on a long, tough week at work. If you don’t hear from me, it does not mean I am not running. I will post/check up when I can. However, time will be very limited. It will be down to just working, sleeping, eating, and running; repeat. 

When you spend most of your life being told you are fat, it’s pretty hard to stop seeing yourself as fat when you look in the mirror. I’ve been struggling a lot with this as of late. 

I grew up as a child, a teen and a young woman with an inside, very snide voice who kept reminding me that I was fat. I’d heard dear old bitch grand-ma say so, aunts and uncles and cousins implied it, and my own parents never really made me feel otherwise. I was even told so by a teacher, so it had to be true, right?

But finaly, in my 20s, I was able to start breaking through those thoughts. I had to work hard and long to see good in me and in the recent years, I’ve been able to like my body. With a better self-image and self-confidence, I felt like I could do anything. I started working out, and losing weight and grew pretty much addicted to the gym.

Last year, I think my confidence and body image really peaked. I was really feeling good about how I looked. I can tell I was very confident just by looking at the way I smile and the little light in my eyes in pictures.

And then shit happend. Things that hat nothing to do with my body or my fitness level or even myself particularly. But my sick, twisted, injured mind brought all of these issues back and I fell. I stumbled hard and the hole I fell into was deeper then even I expected. I grew more and more tired. The smile wasn’t there. The thoughts grew darker… I was unhappy with myself again. I felt like a failure because I just couldn’t seem to reach the magic number I had set in my mind. I was sad and depressed and hard on myself in a way I simply didn’t deserve….

I’ve been working really, really hard to climb back out. To get back up. To get back to seeing the positive, the good, the fit, the health, this new body I have given myself. I might never look like Tana (@tanadoeslife) or Katy (@rxingmyassoff), but this body mine, and it’s stronger and fitter then it’s ever been. It’s looking better then it ever has and I’m more confident now then I ever was as a kid, teen or young adult.

I might not be totally back to where I was last summer, but I’m getting there, slowly, but surely. I’m learning not to take other people’s burden upon my shoulders; their shit is theirs. I’m learning to breath and take each day, each hour as it comes. I know there are more shit to come. My aunt is dying and my kids will react to that as they love her so. We might have to put our dog down and that too will be a hard blow to them. Big Boy is getting closer and closer to being a teen: Oh Lord help me… Both boys have inherited some or all of their daddy’s volcano temper, that’s sure to be a hell raiser in this house… But I’m learning to breath through it. I’m learning to let go. I’m learning that I can’t be responsible for everyone’s actions and happiness. I’m learning that I need to let my boys learn the hard way about a few things. I’m learning to look at myself in a mirror and see all the good I’ve done to myself. I’m learning to be proud of me again. And I’m learning that I need to let go of numbers…

Weight loss works the same way. If you eat terrible foods, you’re going to gain weight and be unhealthy. You can do ALL the exercise in the world, but once you stop exercising, you’re going to go RIGHT BACK where you started––– and you’ll probably be even WORSE off than before.

The solution? Stop eating foods that are terrible for you!!! Take out all the processed, high fat, high sodium foods. Start eating more fruits and vegetables!

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with exercise. It’s an important part of a healthy lifestyle. However, it’s not for fixing the problem; it’s for refinement.

Stop letting the sink overflow! Stop using ONLY a mop to clean it up!

- Derek

Stepping away for a week to take time to pray, process, focus and set a game plan for the future.  Wish everyone the very best and keep pressing on toward the goal.   I’ll be back May 11th…. my 30th birthday.