"I need to be better for you."
This is what he told me tonight. He of all people.
He hurt me yesterday, unintentionally of course, but hurt all the same. Unable to reach Him I channeled my hurt into anger, an emotion I can better process and control. Finally able to speak to Him today I told Him I was angry and listed off all the reasons why before finally breaking down and admitting I was hurt and had been worried. He listened and validated every crazy feeling and thought I poured out. By the end of our brief conversation I was no longer angry or hurt, only relieved that He understood where I was coming from and had solid suggestions as how to prevent situations like Sunday’s from occurring in the future.
So when I saw Him tonight I was so relieved by how things had gone that I didn’t really process what He said, that He needs to be better for me. Reflecting now on the conversation though it breaks my heart that He uttered those words. This man has the kindest heart I have ever known. He treats me far better than I could ever imagine being treated and the impact He has had on my self worth, self esteem and general well being is immeasurable. He had done more for me than I could ever hope to repay and yet He thinks He needs to do better.
I don’t deserve him; I know this. I can only hope I find the courage to let Him know how much He means to me, how better my life is for having Him in it. I pray that somehow I can give Him at least a fraction of the happiness He has given to me. He deserves so much more but I have no idea how to show it.