588 things chrasy likes Explore more popular stuff on Tumblr →

Question submitted by eoporto

This afternoon I received an email with a detailed list of all the available horny teens in my neighborhood which I deleted without even reading. Curious, I opened an email titled “Having a hard time at university?” and was presented with a pretty young Asian with a footlong dildo thrust in her ass.

I rolled my eyes, and read an email from my uncle.

Autocomplete in my browser finishes the URL for me so that when I type the letter ‘Y’ the first suggestion is youporn.com. On other sites, a medieval-looking chick with ample boobage tells me that I can “play with her discretely”.

I roll my eyes, and type in The Huffington Post.

I walk through the corridors of my university and see women with sweatpants with the word “Juicy” stamped on their asses. I turn on the radio and hear Howard Stern asking pornstars how deep they can shove a hotdog down their mouth.

I roll my eyes, and switch to the local news.

I remember when I was in university in Jerusalem, I drove down to Egypt for two weeks and encountered the most religious Muslims I’ve ever met.

Needless to say, they were dressed pretty conservatively.

I remember what a thrill it was to catch a glimpse of a bra strap from a poorly fitted burqa. I remember the half-on I got from seeing an underwear outline on a girl that’s only visible body part is her eyes.

Things were different there.

I yearned to see a bare thigh.

I yearned to see a thong.

I’m getting hard just thinking about it.

Then, when I left Egypt and entered Israel, I saw signs pointing to a nude beach. I went there, and didn’t sport a woody the whole time. I wasn’t attracted to all the skin. It was too readily accessible.

There was no mystery.

The trick to getting a man is making him think he can’t get you, and the best way to do that is by dressing seductively conservatively.

While women might think that the low-cut top that draws attention to their heaving swingers is a real stud-magnet, they actually don’t want to be attracting the douchenozzles that are only in it for the nip.

They don’t know that the good guys are willing to work a little bit to get inside those jammies.

Now, don’t go putting on grandma’s floral print robe and a cardigan and go to a bar thinking “The Men Guide told me if I dress more conservatively I’ll be able to bag some smoking hot man-sausage.”

All I’m saying is that the mystique of a girl that respects her body outshines the sparkly-skinned stripper every time.

— Moe