With the passing of Carmi, my beloved baby sister and family dog of 11 years, I was introduced to death. I had been exposed to death as my mom grieved the death of her own mother who passed away shortly after my birth. Her tears and sighs were there at my elementary graduation and they’re still here when she daydreams out loud of the day when I marry. Until I meet you again in heaven, they say. 

I had never been the one to grieve deeply for a passing of someone I knew but did not intimately love. A grandparent, classmates, a fellow church goer…I never felt it my appropriate place to be more emotional than how I felt exactly. And thus far, Carmi had been the only being that I shared a close relationship with to pass. Someone who had been a part of my life—physically and emotionally—since I could confidently speak English. She was seldom the one to speak up, but when she did she let you know she wasn’t happy or very happy. I lost a loved one and though it was in the form of a pet, she and I shared a loving relationship. Thankfully, I had time to prepare since the summer when she got sick. I worked to make sure she felt loved every day. Then a few days ago this looming idea of death became a reality. I felt confused. Really really confused. I read forums for six hours and watched YouTube videos of therapists explaining to children emotions that come with a passing of a beloved pet. I needed words to soothe my aching heart and I needed to too not feel like the only one who not only felt sadness but an overwhelming sense of anger, confusion, and guilt. 

How could a being die? What does it even look like? I read the news. I read about deaths all over the world. I heard about direct murder experiences from my host dad in Jordan and I know people died in the holocaust. I have friends who have lost their own parent. I know people die every day. Yet, I could only nod in sympathy and regret that I could not feel much more or even understand the feeling of loss. 

The Sandy Hook tragedy took place just a night after I reserved a day to reflect and mourn the death of my dog. I was distracted by my own feelings of death then it started to slowly unfold. This was a mass shooting, ok. At an elementary school…ok. Kids were shot…ok? ok… multiple times…o..k. They were 6 and 7 years of age- think back to 1st and 2nd grade Hannah, ok? ok. They believe in Santa and write to the tooth fairy…ok. They were learning how to read time and they were learning to add. They wanted to know what was for dinner and looked forward to their after school playdate…okay. A man came into the school, and it wasn’t for a show ok. He took out his gun and shot the kids…and their teachers and staff…and he shot them more…okay? mm no, I can’t fathom any more. 

It’s hard to even imagine my own pet- a warm tail waging loving soul no longer being there due to illness and old age. But to imagine a child a person a little person, still not yet legally their own person under the care of their parents who committed to unconditionally love them forever… to imagine that child being taken away by a crude unjust murderous act? I can’t even fathom. 

My God, it breaks my heart. My God, it must break God’s heart infinitely more. 

I’m reading, reflecting, and writing. I’m somewhat in a secluded area away with my family. We have our big dysfunctional flaws. But I am taking this time to reflect on my loved ones and what it would mean to have them taken away from me. I’m still processing. I’m still confused. I feel though I’ve been exposed to another world so foreign of my own. My spirits are still high but they are leveled. I feel a sense of calmness this inward peace bigger than when a great happy event occurs in life. A sense of peace that my God, He is bigger far bigger and more unfathomable than this unfathomable idea of death, the reality of dying, and the inhumane act of murder. And that He is sovereign in all. Even in death. May God help me come to understand and accept death in a healthy manner. May God’s overwhelming love and and penetrating peace be even more imminent to all the families affected by this tragedy in CT.